Dear Drew, What the fuck is Slenderman?

Slenderman is widely known as a mythical creature that many people tell tales of but no one has actually ever seen, much like you getting an attractive prom date. Slenderman has been linked to myths in America as well as Mexico, so I assume he has dual citizenship and can make one hell of a chile releno. Now if you do ever see him make sure you run as fast as you can, not because he will hurt you but because you really need to lose some weight off your fat ass. Thanks!

Dear Drew How much wood could a Wood Chuck chuck if a Wood Chuck could chuck wood?

No one chucks more wood than your mom, so I guess that answers that.

Dear Drew,
one is one four is one eleven is three seventy-four is four. Can you crack this code?

This one is easy. I will take an order of Kung Pao Chicken, extra spicy, no peanuts; and 4 crab rangoons. Oh, and a cup of hot and sour soup. To go please. Thanks!

Dear Drew, What is the basis of M-Theory?

This is easy. The basis of M-Theory is as follows: Single Axis Actuator.

Dear Drew,
You seem so well rounded and unbiased in your mostly brilliant advise. I wonder if you would do me the honor of advising me on affairs of the heart? What exactly makes a relationship work, and are women really insane from birth, or do they gradually become that way over time? Is it nature or nurture, or just like an expiration date...when it's reached....no matter the time, it just explodes?

Well, I would say the best answer to your very detailed question would be...bitches be trippin'. Bitches be trippin'.

Dear Drew, Are human beings evolving or devolving?

I would say human beings are most likely evolving. That's the one where we eventually let the apes take over the world, right? I think Charlton Heston told me that once while he was suffering from severe dementia...which was every day of his entire life.

Dear Drew, I have been through almost a thousand break ups and now I am in a relationship with an awesome guy who treats me right but I always get scared for some reason that he will break up with me and we have never had a problem or a fight. Why am I so scared?

This is a great question. The reason you are so scared is because he is going to rape you. So please, for your own safety, get the hell out of there. Seriosly...rape...get out of there...NOW.

Dear Drew, I keep getting an error message on my mobile (iPhone 4) twitter the past few days saying; time stamp out of bounds!! I can't get any tweets or send any!! Can you please help? Thank you :-)

Yes, I can help! Stop using an iPhone, they are only for pussy punk bitches. Like you.

Dear Drew, I having problems with my Toshiba their is a line down the middle and I can only see the top middle of the screen. How can I fix this problem?

The quickest way to fix this problem is to shut the fuck up. Bitch.

Dear Drew,
My best friend just told me that Jason got into another fight with Freddy, this time over Leather-face. Is this true, or made up?

Its completely made up. Jason and Leatherface have an open relationship so they continually get plugged by anyone they meet. So that means you have a chance! Enjoy your anal sex with a fictional serial killer, I know I did.

Dear Drew, how do you do it i want you to see the making of robotchickin and tell me what you think? it would briten my sunny shinny day? forever yours the breakfast club!!!!!

Wow, what a great question. My answer is this: I would totally bang Molly Ringwald from The Breakfast Club. And Emilio Estevez. But that's it. And you. Sexy.

Dear Drew, How many different languages do you speak?

I speak over one different language. And that language is English. Not because I think everyone should speak English, but because I am too damn stupid to speak anything else. Except this: La Comida De China. Yep, chinese food in Spanish. Thank you high school education!

Dear Drew, Hey, it's Hannah! You know, your wife's cousin (say hi to Emily for me!!). My question is, is it true that Coke and Pepsi are the same thing, just with different labels?

Hi! Yes, it is true, both Coke and Pepsi are the same thing. Except Pepsi tastes like monkey ass and Coke is a gift from god herself. Yeah, herself.

Dear Drew, am i gay

No, you aren't cool enough to be gay. Only I am.

Dear Drew,
I just heard Jason Voorhees & Leatherface were supposedly together. I realize they're not real... but when did they supposedly get married?

Hates on finger-knives, It is true that Jason and Leatherface have had a long and sordid romance. We have documented several of their encounters on our site to help keep everyone up to date on their relationship. But to my knowledge they have not actually "tied the knot" as of yet. I don't know if it's because they are both dudes and it's still not legal where they live (backwoods Kentucky) or if it's because they are both afraid of commitment. Rest assured, once we hear word of any planned nuptials we will be the first people there with a video camera to get the wedding (and honeymoon...that's just sexy) on tape for everyone to see.

Dear Drew, I am part of Iran's nuclear program and wanted to know if you had any information on your government's plans to try and stop us. Any information would be very helpful.

Dear Yasar, Wow, this is definitely the most serious and political question we have encountered. Usually we just deal with things like, "Is this picture of Pee Wee Herman or a Hot Dog?" You know; important tasks like that. But since I answer all questions that come my way, I went ahead and made a couple calls to see what I could find out. So here is the inside info...I have no idea. Thanks for the great question!

Dear Drew, pancakes or waffles?

Well Cassie...I'd have to say I'm more of a pancakes type of guy. There's something about those thin little flaps of dough that remind me of my childhood. At least once a year, instead of the regular morning punch in the face, my step-step-step mom would make me two bread pudding pancakes. They usually tasted like vodka and cigarette butts, so I assume that's what bread pudding is, but for those 10 minutes a year I felt like we were a real family. Ahhhh, delicious pancake memories.

Dear Drew, do you have a vagina?

Well Travis...yes, I sure do. Or maybe I don't...meet me behind your closest 7-11 tonight at 11:30 and find out for yourself. Thanks for the fantastic question, keep 'em coming genius.

Dear Drew,
I broke my arm and it hurts what should I do

Well, the first thing you should do is quit whining. I once stubbed my toe a little bit and only cried for an hour, so a broken arm is nothing. But if the pain is really too much to handle, just take a handful of aspirin, tape them to the most painful parts of your arm, and head to the nearest sauna to sweat your ass off and get that lovely aspirin residue soaking deep in to your appendage. Trust me, it works much better than ingesting or snorting them. So man ( or woman, I don't know you) up and get back in there, a broken arm is no reason to stop showing up to your job, even if you are just a fluff for your uncle's porno business. Gross.

Dear Drew, Who is your favorite coco chatter?

I have no idea. I only eat Coco Chatter Puffs for breakfast....so I would say...Molly Ringwald? Is she a coco chatter? The Breakfast Club is the coco chatter bomb.