I just ate 2 Fiber Plus bars and am now heading to the gym, cant wait to do some intense squat thrusts and see what happens #YOLO #Poop

I hope #DoraTheExplorer never gets married because she is 1 nagging bitch. #SwiperStopSwiping . Damn woman, swiping is his name & his game.

@HeatherDawn9810 Good idea because I might stop by and slap u for watching Pretty Little Liars #SecretlyMyFavoriteShow #IllNeverTell

I wonder why #Porn stars always wear high heels while having sex, probably so they can get a little closer to heaven #OrTheFloorIsSticky

Just saw the Australian Open is on, now I know the REAL reason @LauraJaneGrace @jimmyjames_b @SewardAndrew r heading down under #TennisPros

Looks like Ive sold at least 1 box to @ThatGirlTippy - Balls in ur court (pun intended) @Jumpman23 . #SpaceJam Tampons, coming soon!

#NewProductIdea Crotchless Tube Socks. Actually that one might work better in Japan. #NewJapaneseProductIdea

#NewProductIdea Tampons based on the hit movie #SpaceJam. Space Jam Tampons, Jam Them In Your Space!

#NewProductIdea The 1 piece puzzle. For people who like to look at puzzles but don’t want to be the hipster douches that put them together

Dear Drew How much wood could a Wood Chuck chuck if a Wood Chuck could chuck wood?

No one chucks more wood than your mom, so I guess that answers that.

Dear Drew,
one is one four is one eleven is three seventy-four is four. Can you crack this code?

This one is easy. I will take an order of Kung Pao Chicken, extra spicy, no peanuts; and 4 crab rangoons. Oh, and a cup of hot and sour soup. To go please. Thanks!

@tori_mich I think #GhostTweets are the future of Twitter, even though its scary as hell seeing ghosts using up all my data plan.

Dear Drew, What is the basis of M-Theory?

This is easy. The basis of M-Theory is as follows: Single Axis Actuator.

The words "Channing Tatum" shall now and forever only be used to describe a half eaten bag of Tato Skins #TheyLookAndActTheSame

Compliment I just gave my 2 yr old "Ur really good at seeing geese!" Hey, they cant all be doctors and lawyers #WhoWouldMakeTheSandwiches ?

@GarrettGriess Wait, API stands for Armored Penis Intruder, right? Because Im working on getting that invention idea patented #Penis

Dear Drew,
You seem so well rounded and unbiased in your mostly brilliant advise. I wonder if you would do me the honor of advising me on affairs of the heart? What exactly makes a relationship work, and are women really insane from birth, or do they gradually become that way over time? Is it nature or nurture, or just like an expiration date...when it's reached....no matter the time, it just explodes?

Well, I would say the best answer to your very detailed question would be...bitches be trippin'. Bitches be trippin'.

Dear Drew, Are human beings evolving or devolving?

I would say human beings are most likely evolving. That's the one where we eventually let the apes take over the world, right? I think Charlton Heston told me that once while he was suffering from severe dementia...which was every day of his entire life.

Does anyone know what soccer actually is? I hear ppl talking about it but have no clue. I want to say its a type of cheese? #WhatIsSoccer

My bathroom sink drain smells terrible, no more rinsing out my sausage casings in there while I dry my hair #MorningSausageRoutine