So i can’t ever eat grapefruit while taking my new cholesterol medicine. Great, there goes the 1 thing I never fucking do.

I just realized these #SweetTarts I’ve been eating each day r actually birth control pills. No wonder my uterus doesn’t seem to be working.

Any1 who says breakfast is the most important meal of the day has never gone 2 Taco Bell at 1:30am on the way home frm the bar #BestMealEver

Anyone know how to tell if ur gay? Not asking for myself, asking for these 3 guys I just got done having gay sex with. #MarriageEqualityNow

@HeatherDawn9810 I spent those winnings on ur birthday present! Now the surprise is ruined! #1000SnickersBarsWasted

Will u accept Kmart Layaway bucks instead? Or foodstamps? "@AshliDunham:A whole Euro?! Sold!..Following you now! #youoweme"

I always feel great after a workout, but I also always feel great after an hour at the china buffet... #Decisions #IChooseObesity

I need a loan @HeatherDawn9810:1 day of work, while singing at the top of my lungs ...and I made enough to pay my rent for the month

I enjoy watching womens tennis for 1 reason...THE COMPETITIVE EXCITEMENT U PERVES! #ILied #ItsTheBoobies

Womens tennis without all the grunting & screaming reminds me of..hold on, there’s such a thing as womens tennis? #WhoKnew

@AshliDunham Its hard to believe you aren’t following me on Twitter. Do so and I will give you a Euro #WhatsThatWorth #4MillionDollars

@HeatherDawn9810 And that, ladies and gentleman, is the first and worst #ImGladMySisterDied tweet ever. I apologize.

Thats insensitive, I lost my 1st sister that way @HeatherDawn9810 I would also stab some1 in the throat for a crunch wrap supreme right now

Its an insult to ur heritage that u like Taco Bell. "@HeatherDawn9810: @askdrewnow I prefer the term ’Hispanic!’ #ThankYouVeryMuch!"

When u were born u looked like a mexican #True @HeatherDawn9810:When I was born I climbed aboard the struggle bus...and I haven’t gotten off

Gross @HeatherDawn9810:I want some1 who will tuck blankets around me super tight like a burrito before bed. I just cant tuck my own arms in

Gross @HeatherDawn9810:Guys say cum whitens teeth. I know its not true because if it was...a lot of bitches would have much prettier smiles

What I learned from todays #NFCChampionship :Frank Gore is like a tiny version of Frank Gore.

Dear Drew, What the fuck is Slenderman?

Slenderman is widely known as a mythical creature that many people tell tales of but no one has actually ever seen, much like you getting an attractive prom date. Slenderman has been linked to myths in America as well as Mexico, so I assume he has dual citizenship and can make one hell of a chile releno. Now if you do ever see him make sure you run as fast as you can, not because he will hurt you but because you really need to lose some weight off your fat ass. Thanks!

I just became youngest player ever to reach 20,000 pts in the Nerf Living Room Basketball League proving once again that #Lebron is a #bitch