I just watched 3 seconds of the movie 3 Amigos and I am left to wonder...why would @GarrettGriess give this movie to someone as a gft #Cheap

Just saw a strange light go on in my neighbors basement. Either they are playing air hockey or skinning dead bodies. #YouMakeTheCall

Does anyone else want to rub their genitals on the Snuggle Bear? #HeJustLooksSoSoft

Dear Drew, I have been through almost a thousand break ups and now I am in a relationship with an awesome guy who treats me right but I always get scared for some reason that he will break up with me and we have never had a problem or a fight. Why am I so scared?

This is a great question. The reason you are so scared is because he is going to rape you. So please, for your own safety, get the hell out of there. Seriosly...rape...get out of there...NOW.

Dear Drew, I keep getting an error message on my mobile (iPhone 4) twitter the past few days saying; time stamp out of bounds!! I can't get any tweets or send any!! Can you please help? Thank you :-)

Yes, I can help! Stop using an iPhone, they are only for pussy punk bitches. Like you.

Dear Drew, I having problems with my Toshiba their is a line down the middle and I can only see the top middle of the screen. How can I fix this problem?

The quickest way to fix this problem is to shut the fuck up. Bitch.

Dear Drew,
My best friend just told me that Jason got into another fight with Freddy, this time over Leather-face. Is this true, or made up?

Its completely made up. Jason and Leatherface have an open relationship so they continually get plugged by anyone they meet. So that means you have a chance! Enjoy your anal sex with a fictional serial killer, I know I did.

Dear Drew, how do you do it i want you to see the making of robotchickin and tell me what you think? it would briten my sunny shinny day? forever yours the breakfast club!!!!!

Wow, what a great question. My answer is this: I would totally bang Molly Ringwald from The Breakfast Club. And Emilio Estevez. But that's it. And you. Sexy.

Dear Drew, How many different languages do you speak?

I speak over one different language. And that language is English. Not because I think everyone should speak English, but because I am too damn stupid to speak anything else. Except this: La Comida De China. Yep, chinese food in Spanish. Thank you high school education!

Dear Drew, Hey, it's Hannah! You know, your wife's cousin (say hi to Emily for me!!). My question is, is it true that Coke and Pepsi are the same thing, just with different labels?

Hi! Yes, it is true, both Coke and Pepsi are the same thing. Except Pepsi tastes like monkey ass and Coke is a gift from god herself. Yeah, herself.

Dear Drew, am i gay

No, you aren't cool enough to be gay. Only I am.

Im about 2 start a campaign to ask people who I follow to follow me. I need more followers to enjoy my R rated comedy. Get ready for begging

So @balconyfool time for the Twitter test. CHECK YOUR TWITTER. Also, check the last 300 tweets of mine, they will make u smile over and over

@GarrettGriess Ive been trying 2 get my rotary phone 2 tweet but I just keep getting Sarah the switch board operator #ConnectMe2AndyGriffith

@askdrewnow I seriously hope you are being sarcastic. #askdrewnow

Phones work on Twitter? "@GarrettGriess: This message from my phone.. thru twitter.. and posted to #askdrewnow .com. Technology! -Garrett"

I wish Jessica Lange was my mom. #AmericanHorrorStory

This message from my phone.. thru twitter.. and posted to #askdrewnow .com. Technology! -Garrett

What about dudes? And Parakeets? "@tori_mich: Girls who wear middle parts in their hair, so not attractive.."

@GarrettGriess BRILLIANT! My Twitter feed brings all the boys to the yard and damn right, its better than yours. #MyMomsThemeSong