Dear Drew, I'm so excited that I found out how babies were made!! Problem is, my heaven juice doesn't cum..er..come out very well. Is there a way to help get my heaven juice to flow out any better?

Clogged in Columbia, I would be happy to help you get your heaven juices flowing! First, you are going to need a few things. Get the biggest bottle of conditioner you can find, this will come in very HANDy for what you need to do. Next, find some nice scented candles to help set the mood. I would suggest lilac or sewage, but whatever you prefer will work. The last thing you will need is a nice picture to focus on while harvesting the heaven juice. I would go with either Jessica Biel or Chuck Norris, but again, whatever you prefer will work. Now comes the fun part! Put the poster up on the wall where it can clearly be seen. Then go ahead and light your candles and begin to relax. Now take the container you want to fill with heaven juice and....fill it with conditioner. BOOM! You have just made heaven juice. But be careful with your new hobby, it can lead to teenage turkey pregnancy and no one likes that.