Drew, I'm in need of some serious help. I have a problem with bladder control after a few cocktails. It doesn't matter if I have one drink or party all night, I always wake up in a puddle. I've tried everything from a rubber band placed half way down my shaft hoping to pinch it off like a garden hose to hypnosis. Nothing seems to work. Any advice?

Diaper Dan Dandy in Dookieville, The best way to approach your problem is not going to be to try to prevent the urination from happening, but rather to contain the water works that are inevitable. My suggestion: Depends Adult Diapers. I believe these to be not only a great product, but also the best brand available for your type of problem. And based on your question, I am quite certain you are probably a significantly overweight alcoholic, so I have also purchased 50,000 shares of stock for the parent company of Depends. So crack open an ice cold beer and finish off that bottle of cheap gin, with Depends on you will always win.