I have a friend who works out all the time and always gives me grief that he's going to live longer than me and get more girls. How do I shut him up?

Flabby in Fremont, I really see only two options for you with this problem: Option one would involve you killing your roommate to prove that you in fact will live longer. But that could be messy and involve lots of prison time and inmate rape. Option two requires to you begin secretly adding fat and calories to everything your friend eats. Buy some liquid trans fat, maybe a nice container of msg, and start injecting it in to all of those protein shakes and Powerbars your friend carries around with them. Invite them over for a healthy meal and cook the entire thing in whale lard. Before you know it they will be the 300 pound mess that you already are. So get started my chunky little chef, your friend's health depends on it.