How do I get my girlfriend to stop humming the AskDrewNow.com theme song in bed when we are trying to get intimate?

Dacklenut in Dazzville, I actually get asked this question a lot. Some women like to hum the theme song, others put up posters of me on their headboards, and some even ask their boyfriends to wear our deluxe latex Drew mask (for sale at fine mask stores everywhere) while they are bumping uglys. I hate to tell you this, but there is really nothing you can do to make it stop. The best you can hope for is to learn to tolerate it. You have it easy; simply buy a pair of official AskDrewNow.com ear plugs and keep them handy each time you start to feel frisky. Just be glad she hasn't asked for the mask yet, facial reconstruction surgery in my image can be very costly...and sexy.

Where is the weirdest place you have ever got your nard stuck in?

Slick Rick in Slutville, I think the strangest place I ever got my nard stuck in would probably be that time it got stuck in half of a peanut shell. It took three firemen and a gallon of Crisco to get it out. Wait a minute...did I say peanut shell...I meant toilet paper tube. Yeah, a gigantic toilet paper tube. What a crazy night that was at tap dance camp.

I have watched all of your videos and purchased practically everything from your store, but I just feel like I don't know enough about everyone I see in the videos. So really, who in the hell are you guys?

Bio Lover in Brussels, Your wish is our command! Here it is, the official Biography page to help get you one step closer to all of your favorite stars on AskDrewNow.com. Pop some popcorn, curl up with a blanket, and enjoy a little piece of us HERE.

Dear Drew,
Do you know of any fun activities I can do with my friends to bring us closer together?

What is your favorite video that you've done?

Closet Hose in Charleston, By far, my favorite video we have ever done is our newest creation, Milk! We believe this video will revolutionize the way people watch and create online videos for years to come. The time we put in to this is obvious. It literally took us years to perfect this video and now it is finally here, for everyone to enjoy! So sit back with an ice cold glass of Kool-Aid and watch Milk, you will not be disappointed.

If you could travel back in time what time would you travel to?

Sea Man in Hymenville, This is a very interesting question. There are so many important and interesting parts of history that one could venture to. Whether it was to stop some tragic event from happening, or simply to just enjoy something that most would never get to experience, the thought of time travel is truly exciting. After weighing all of the options, I would have to say that I would choose to go back in time to about two hours ago, when I was eating a corndog. Mmmmm....I would love to have another shot at that corndog.

Dear Drew,
I was wondering, what do you guys at AskDrewNow.com do in your spare time?

When are Leatherface and Jason having their kid?

Mississippi in Missouri, Jason and Leatherface actually gave birth to their first beautiful child already, and we were lucky enough to capture that magic moment on video. Check through our video archives and you will see it. It brings me to tears each and every time I watch it. But be sure to keep a look out for more exclusive Jason and Leatherface footage, coming soon!

Is Obama a god?

Obama's Long Lost Son in Sierra, The simple answer to your question is no, President Obama is not a god. The main reason for this is because we know for a fact that President Obama exists, the jury is still out on the big guy upstairs. But I think I get what you are implying, so I will also address that. President Obama had the privilege of following one of the worst presidents in American history. While this may lead to a sort of "stardom" for Mr. Obama, you also must remember the difficult hand he was dealt by the misguided bumblings and poor decision making of his predecessor. So it's not all just fun and games for our president. But if people around this country and others around the world want to stand up and take notice of the great things our President is trying to accomplish, there is nothing wrong with that. We don't all have to agree, but I think most of us can accept that President Obama is doing everything he can to reverse the damage done by our last catastrophe of a President. Plus have you seen Obama's smile? It's beautiful and almost hypnotic...it kind of makes you melt inside. Aaaahhhhhh....Obama.

Drew, what is the clock counting down to?

Confused in Crete, I wish I could reveal what we are about to do, but everyone will have to wait for the revolution. Everything you know about online videos will change, I can guarantee that. Hang on to your seats, the ride begins in just a few days!

Dear Drew, I would love to be a special guest in a video. As far as my qualifications go, I can run into walls, do sommersaults, act handicapped, gay and straight, and I'm pretty good at falling down stairs.

Actor in Allentown, Absolutely! We would love to see your talents with your very own AskDrewNow.com audition tape! Go ahead and film yourself in the following situations: Getting punched in the balls by a monkey and/or a rocking chair. Jumping off a trampoline in to at least three chocolate cream pies. And lastly, sun bathing in the nude outside of a church and/or your uncle's country club. Interestingly enough, this is how we evaluate all of the talent who appear on the site. So get that camera rolling, we are excited for your entry!

I was wondering how to get all the freckles off of my face and ovaries?

Freckle Face in Fragglerock, While I have never had freckles myself (gross, who would want freckles) I have helped several of my friends get rid of them. The freckles on your face can easily be removed with a solution of grape juice, Neosporin, and bleach. Just be careful, the grape juice can really burn. As for your ovaries, I would say that your best approach would be to get pregnant with some sort of demon-monster baby. I have to admit, I'm not really sure how one becomes pregnant with a demon-monster baby, but if you can figure that out I'm sure it will take care of your freckles and your ovaries (in their entirety) in no time. Freckles....gross.

Drew, my fiance likes to bitch slap me in bed. However, everytime I bitch slap her I end up in jail. How can I have fun in bed without going to jail?

Bitch Slapped in Hastings, The answer to your problem is right there under your head...pillowcases! After studying the techniques of bitch slapping for many years I have finally found the foolproof formula to prevent any kind of jail time. Stop by the grocery store and pick up a 6 pack of Coke (or Diet Coke, if your fiancé prefers) or grab the biggest phone book you have in the house. Drop one of those items in to an empty pillow case and wait for your moment. As the passions start to flow and the excitement becomes more than you can bear, grab your pillowcased treasure and smack the living sh*t out her. No bruises, no evidence, no jail time. That's right, your problem is solved, you are welcome. *AskDrewNow.com in do way endorses the practice of bitch slapping anyone...unless they really really really deserve it.*

Dear Drew,
I go to college and live on campus. Standing outside, right along the path I have to walk, is a man holding a bible telling us we are all going to hell. He calls girls who walk past him "dirty" and "whore." He has also said that this campus is wicked, and that there are three steps to becoming a homosexual: 1) enroll at this college, 2) watch porn, and 3) masturbate. He says that our predident is an evil man because he is a "baby-killer" and he supports "gay sex" which is wrong because women were made to be wives, mothers and home makers "for men." All of this deeply offends me and I am wondering what you would do if you were affronted by such idiocy and hostility.

Condemned in College, Thank you so much for this question. The first thing you need to realize is that standing outside an education building on a college campus is as close to an education as anyone who spouts that garbage is going to get. There is a reason he is out there while you are inside learning and bettering yourself: He is an uneducated moron. Education creates doubt and makes us question everything we have ever been told. That is how we learn and better ourselves as human beings. Only after you question everything you know have you truly experienced a worthwhile life. Rest assured, only the most simple-minded people can subscribe to those types of ideals. And hey, if the only three steps to becoming a homosexual are enrolling in college, watching porn and masturbating, then every single one of us here at AskDrewNow.com and every one of our fans are extremely gay. So don't be worried, you will always have us in all of our gayness.

Dear Drew,
What's the coolest party trick ever imaginable? I desperately need something to get with the ladies.

Andrew the Virgin in Vacaville, Having attended many great parties in my day, I am certain that the following party trick will land you more pelt than a fur trader's cabin. Start with a few ladies and about sixty ice cold Jello shots. Sounds pretty normal, right? WRONG! Regular Jello shots aren't going to work for someone like you. So make your Jello shots with about 90% Everclear and only 10% Jello. TRICK! That is what all of the ladies will be turning with you after just a few of those jiggly delicious treats...no impressing necessary. Just make sure to have a few garbage bags around for the vomit, there will be lots of it. And if you are in to that thing then...BONUS!

Drew, I'm in need of some serious help. I have a problem with bladder control after a few cocktails. It doesn't matter if I have one drink or party all night, I always wake up in a puddle. I've tried everything from a rubber band placed half way down my shaft hoping to pinch it off like a garden hose to hypnosis. Nothing seems to work. Any advice?

Diaper Dan Dandy in Dookieville, The best way to approach your problem is not going to be to try to prevent the urination from happening, but rather to contain the water works that are inevitable. My suggestion: Depends Adult Diapers. I believe these to be not only a great product, but also the best brand available for your type of problem. And based on your question, I am quite certain you are probably a significantly overweight alcoholic, so I have also purchased 50,000 shares of stock for the parent company of Depends. So crack open an ice cold beer and finish off that bottle of cheap gin, with Depends on you will always win.

Why do old people wake up so damn early in the morning? When I'm old I know I'm sure as hell not going to get up before 5 pm.

Rubba Dub Dub in Rocketville, The reason old people get up so early in the morning is actually quite simple. As people start to age their insides, being so warm and moist, actually start to decompose at a faster rate than their outside. Because of this "internal-aging" (*term coined by Drew*) an elderly person's internal clock starts to run faster than the rest of the world. So when 4 am rolls around, an elderly person's colon is already ringing that alarm and screaming "WAKE UP!" So dont blame the elderly for their odd sleep schedule, it's just their insides screaming for help. And that smell they have...yeah...that's also due to the "internal-aging" (*term coined by Drew*)

I'm a big fan of Fox News and talk radio. Can you do a tribute to Sean Hannity or Glenn Beck in one of your videos. The tall man could play Hannity and then that other guy named Sally could be Glenn Beck. That would be great! Oh, and did I mention I'm also mentally handicapped? Yee haw!

G.E.D. Failure in Georgetown, Your energy and excitement over your love for Fox News, Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck is a thing of beauty. Your passion is inspiring and I for one would love to film an AskDrewNow.com video tribute to all of your heroes. Give me some time to get myself and the rest of my crew in to the mind set of these people. To start, we will all need to erase our memories of any form of education over third grade we have ever had. Also, we will need to quickly learn the tactics of fear and hate mongering so we can truly believe in everything we say. And lastly, we will work on nurturing the selfish and greedy nature all of these people represent. Once we have mastered these skills of idiocy and hypocrisy we will get that video masterpiece up and running for you. As always, we are here for all of our fans!

I was touched by the story of Skid Mark in Seattle, in fact, it made me touch myself. You see, I have a poop fettish, and I spend all my time luring victims to my home where I use seductive tactics and anal beads to obtain what I desire. I was saddened to hear that Skid Mark in Seattle is now poop-free, as we could have been a match made in heaven. Do you know of others with this problem so that I may find my soulmate?

Poop-lover in Palm Springs, I myself am deeply moved by your plight and search for true and messy love. Yes, Skid Mark in Seattle is now poop-free (as well as deceased) but that doesn't mean you need to live your life alone. So this is a call to anyone out there in the vast fan base of AskDrewNow.com who enjoys pooping to an unhealthy degree. If you are having trouble finding the right guy or girl, just drop us a line here on the website. We will immediately hook you up with Poop-lover in Palm Springs (or any other poop-lovers we might find) for the most romantic and smelly date you have ever had. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, so get typing poop-addicts, we would love to hear from you!

When doing web searches on Google, it is common to say "I just googled Drew" and this is an appropriate statement to make. But, Microsoft has introduced its own search engine called bing.com. So, would it also be appropriate to say "I just binged Drew?" Or should binging someone be done in the confines of your own home?

Binged in Boston, You have made a very intelligent observation. In fact, we are so interested in your ideas about "googling" and "binging" Drew that we are ready to announce a new service here on AskDrewNow.com. For only $200 per 20 minutes you can "google" Drew anywhere you like. And if that doesn't get your dipstick and/or pudding pie steaming, you can now "bing" Drew anywhere you want for only $500 per 20 minutes. So if anyone is interested in this new service be sure to contact us so we can set it up. Most major credit cards are accepted, as well as food stamps and traveller's checks. Just make sure you are careful if you "bing" Drew in the face...we don't want to bruise his money-maker.