Dear Drew,
My son is a selfish, spoiled brat. I am so fed up with him I don't know what to do. Got any parenting advice for me?

Dear Drew. I get extremely turned on when my dog humps my leg. Is this a normal fetish?

Turned on in Tulsa, Yes, this is absolutely a normal fetish....if you are another DOG! Let's stop smearing raw meat all over your leg and then pretending to be surprised when the dog spends the next twenty minutes treating your knee like a drunk girl on prom night. Come on, your dog is busy enough licking his own genitals, I don't think you need to make him lick yours.

Dear Drew,
Your build-up for this new video has really got me looking forward to it. I want to witness The Future Of Online Video!! I want it to Change Everything!! I am Ready For The Revolution!! I've marked my calendar but I just don't think I can wait 29 days, 4 hours, 40 minutes and 23 seconds!!!

Excited in Elba, Thank you for your interest in what we are about to do. We have literally created the single greatest online video of all time. I know it will be difficult to wait, but trust me, it will be worth it. The Revolution is coming...will you be there?

Sometimes when I get really mad at my dad I get so angry that I jump up to dunk a basketball and actually hit my knees on the rim. Can you guys do that? I friggen hate that crap.

Dunkman in Dunkerville, Wow, I'm not sure where to begin. First, I would stop playing one-on-one with your dad. Those pats on the butt have actually become a bit too sexual. Second, you need to raise your basketball hoop a bit higher than the 2 feet you currently have it at. If your hoop says "Playskool" on it you may want to invest in a new one. And last, yes, we do have that problem all of the time. We regularly play hoops and I am always dunking on Melvin Dizzle. He may look tall, but he can't even jump over a credit card. Keep an eye out for one of our intense b-ball games coming soon!

Dear Drew, My Aunt wanted me to send her a postcard by snail mail so I taped the postcard to a snail and sent it. My problem is that I sent it three weeks ago and the snail has only made it a few feet. do you have any suggestions?

Impatient in Nebraska, The best thing you can do now is to go ahead and remove the letter from the snail. After you have scraped off the slime and gooey residue, just tape your letter to the next gummy worm you see crawling by. It may take a while, but I guarantee your letter will arrive to your lovely Aunt. And if the gummy worm gives you any attitude just stay tuned to AskDrewNow.com, we have the perfect solution coming via video in the near future. You are welcome.

Why are you Gay?

Mom Lover in Maryland, Well, we are gay for the same reason you are...because we love Cher and can't get enough Abercrombie. Come join us, we can all go out together, get a couple Cosmopolitans and see what happens. Once you go AskDrewNow.com you never go back.

Hey guys! Its me again. I've decided that the tall man in the videos no longer looks like a tall Elvis. Now I think he looks just like a tall Roger Federer, but with a less floppy hair-doo. Can you please shoot some erotic videos of Tall Federer slapping some hard backhands? That would make me go deuce. Game, Set, Match you guys!

All Shook Up in San Francisco, Hey, it's good to hear from you again! I think that erotic videos of the "tall man" would be a great idea. I will visit the zoo soon and see if I can find a willing giraffe to be his partner for the videos. That long black tongue would look great in HD...and I'm sure the giraffe's tongue will look great too.

Are you bored?

Luis in Laredo, At the moment, yes, your question bores me. But that's ok, we love all of our fans, even those with such thought provoking and complex questions as yours. They say only boring people are bored...if that is the case then we must all be extremely bored.

Dear Drew,
I was reading the Bible the other day and noticed that there are several years where Jesus disappears. What was he up to?

Dear Drew,
My TV Broke. Now I can't watch Cinemax at midnight when my mom goes to bed. Please help me!

Can I be your first stalker because I think I know where you live and what car you drive. P.S. You are way cute.

Donnie Darko in Delaware, Yes, your request is granted to become our first official stalker. And it appears you have done your homework, kudos to you. If you see me walking down the street sometime, stop me and I can give you an autograph, I will make sure my bodyguard doesn't mace you in the eyes first. It's always good to know there is someone out there "watching" over me. And thank you for the compliment, I have been telling people that for years and it's good to find out that someone else finally agrees.

Do you like rim jobs?

Butt Man in Bluffton, I think the bigger question here is...do YOU like rim jobs? A person should never, EVER, go ass to mouth. With that being said, sure, I will try anything six or seven times.

Why the f*ck do people ask you for advice?

Bob LeDouche in Alexandria, The reason people ask me for advice is because my only mission in life is to help them. And I am great. See...even this answer is great. It's ok to love me, join the thousands that have come before you.

Dear Drew,
How do you turn a straight person gay?

In Love with a Hetero in Hampton, If your hetero lover is a male, I only have two words...Celine Dion....and lots of it. Just have your soon-to-be lover listen to 20 minutes of Celine Dion three times a week and in no time he will be driving a convertible and letting you play hide the sausage whenever you like. However, if your hetero lover is a female, I only have one word...rugby. Just two rugby games per week and before you know it she will be wearing flannel and steaming the carpet on command.

Dear Drew,
I am a homosexual... and I had aids at one point in my life, but I got rid of them. However, I recently cheated on my boyfriend, and got aids again. How do I tell my boyfriend?

Gay in Grafton, This is a very difficult situation you have found yourself in. However, I know of a product that can help you with your problem. We have developed the first ever "Bad News Condom." We have learned that the best way to deliver bad news is wrapped around your most persuasive organ. Any sad or terrifying news can be delivered this way and the recipient will still feel like it's Christmas morning. Keep an eye out for this exciting new product in an upcoming AskDrewNow.com video...coming soon to a free clinic near you.

I think that you are the smartest person alive, and I was hoping you could answer this question for me? How do you make a baby? I've seen a lot of people with babies and I think it would be nice to have my own. I heard that little girls were made of sugar and spice and everything nice while boys were made up of snips and snails and puppy dog tails. Do you know the exact recipe?

Wannabe Dad in Dothan, First off, thank you for the compliment. I enjoy being the smartest person alive. As far as how babies are made, we have a very informative video we are working on right now that will explain everything you need to know about the entire "baby making" process. Keep an eye out for it! And just to give you a taste, figuratively and literally, the secret ingredient is heaven juice. Mmmmm....tastes like angels.

Who is better, pirates or ninjas?

Sally Lover in Shingletown, This question seems to come up a lot, lucky for you I have actually been both a pirate and a ninja in the past. While being a ninja is fun, it can not compare to the life a pirate leads. Shark fights, sword fights, full blown scurvy, and the hot steamy man-love on the high seas is impossible to top...or bottom, depending on how you like your man-love. Yo man ho, yo man ho, a pirate's life for me.

Dear Drew,
I am a member of the Harvard, Nebraska chamber of commerce and have seen you mention our lovely community many times. Although our town has had it's share of bad publicity, I believe there is much we have to offer. I would like to extend an opportunity to fly in an AskDrewNow.com documentary crew to tour our community. Would you be willing to do this?

Can you prank call a Liquor Store?

Can you prank call a Pizza Place?