I wanna be able to get f-d up in a very short amount of time at night, but not be totally worthless the next day - just functional. What do you suggest?

Hungover in Hartford, The key to what you are trying to accomplish will take some practice and dedication on your part. Take a shot glass, pour half a shot of your favorite liquor or spirit in said glass, grab a straw and snort the entire thing with your nose. It will speed up your "f-d up" process and allow you to still get a good night's sleep. Start slow with a bitch drink like a wine cooler or Zima, this will prep your sinuses well. Then move on to your whiskeys and tequilas...by the time you are snorting Everclear you know you have arrived. But as always, please consult your doctor before starting an alcohol snorting regimen.