What was your pet name when you were a kid?

Kid Lover in Kingston, When I was a kid, most people affectionately referred to me as "Ball Water." People would see me walking to kindergarten and say, "Hey, Ball Water, how are you doing today?" All of my friends would say, "There goes that crazy Ball Water again, he's probably up to no good." You see, I got the name from one of my frequent habits. However, I believe that may be a story for another day. Ball Water...out.

If it is illegal to drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

Drunk Ass in Dublin, If bars didn't have parking lots, then where would you be able to pick up drunk prostitutes after a night of Jagerbombs and blow. Yes, eliminating parking lots and alleys near bars would decrease the spread of herpes by 167%, but it would also leave you sad and lonely on a Friday night. And just in case this "no parking lots for bars" idea ever takes off, I would invest in any company that makes hand lotion and/or porn.

If Hollywood made a movie about your life, whom would you like to see play the lead role as you?

Movie Lover in Maryland, I don't think there would be any single person more qualified to play me in a movie about my life than a resin cast of Julia Robert's teeth. I can picture it now, those three-story tall gums walking on the beach...the eighteen foot smile creating shade for small squirrels and young children in Central Park...and the glaring resemblance to Mr. Ed the horse while he licks peanut butter off his ass. It would truly be beautiful. "Drew: My Life as a Resin Cast of Julia Robert's Teeth." *coming soon to a theater near you*

Where is the clitoris?

Confused in Cocktown, The truth is that the clitoris does not actually exist at all. It is a myth created by the Johnson & Johnson company to increase their sales of baby oil and personal lubricant. I have literally been with tens of women and I can promise you, none of them enjoyed it at all. If the clitoris were real I'm sure at least one of those ladies wouldn't have left while I cried in to my tube sock. So do not buy in to the hype, there is no such thing as the clitoris.

Do you think Billy Mays is still alive and he is just going to pretend he used a product to bring him back to life and charge 19.99 for it?

Cracked out in Compton, I do...I really really do. We all know Billy could do bumps of coke like no one since George W. Bush, so how in the hell would someone like Billy go down like that? I think he got in deep with the Oxi-clean mafia and had to lay low for a while. Once the heat is off he will come back with the strongest Hercules Hooks known to man. And to anyone reading this who may work for the companies that produce these items, I will let you know where you can send the free samples for plugging your products on the (soon to be) World's Most Non-Ball Sucking and Awesome Website!!

How is Fox News still on the air?

Confused in Tatoine, The only reason a channel like Fox News can continue to exist is it has thrived at being able to dumb itself down to to the level of its target audience. The average IQ of a viewer of Fox News is less than 24 so we are lucky those people can even wipe themselves. But alas, the world is full of simple minded people and until we find a way to get them to all read a book that isn't the Bible, we will continue to have Fox News. I'm just waiting for the day when Glen Beck actually gives birth to Bill O'Reilly's baby and the next great Jewish carpenter is born...what a glorius day that will be. YOU KNOW WHAT, F*CK IT, WE'LL DO IT LIVE.

Dear Drew,
I think my husband might be cheating on me, but I haven't been able to prove it. Is there anyone that can help me?

Dear Drew,
Who are you better than this week?

I think you three are hot, can we meet?

Turned on in Trenton, Of course we can meet! We don't even mind if you are a male or female, to us it's all the same when meeting a crazed fan! Our only request is that you don't break our legs, stuff us in your trunk and take us to your cabin in the country and make us create videos for you while you cover yourself in turkey gravy. We prefer that you use chicken gravy. Keep in touch!

I recently when to a camp in Iowa named EO-WA-TA, the website said it was a family camp yet after we spent a week there I have no recollection of what happened. All I do remember from the trip was hanging upside down from an observation clinic attached to a volcano giving a reverse rim job to a VCR. Is there any way I could regain my memory and file a lawsuit against this family paradise?

John in Messina, *you were never at Camp Eowata....you were never at Camp Eowata...Satan did not force you to perform unspeakable acts on the VCR....there is no altar in the volcano...soon we will call on you to return to the camp and fulfill the final life engineering prophecy...* So as you can see, you have nothing to worry about. But I would still suggest you go ahead and build your own observation deck in the ditch across the street, just to keep an eye on those crazy bastards.

I recently lost a thumb while I was trying to help some guy out with his tv. I have kept the thumb in a jar of pickle juice, is there still a way to re-attach the digit even though it has been 48 hours?

Laceration in Lancaster, There is no need to re-attach your thumb. Most people don't even use their thumbs, they are mainly just there for show. My advice would be to tape an aspirin to the bloody-nub and get back to repairing that tv. The show, or in this case the repair of the device that broadcasts the show, must go on.

Where does fart gas go if its not expunged from the anus?

Farter in Fremont, Fart gas, if not released through the external anal cavity, is usually absorbed through the walls of the large intestine and released through glandular secretion around the eyes, nose, lips and mouth. That glistening sweat on your top lip...yep...fart gas. Just got home from your afternoon jog and sweaty on your brow?...yep...fart gas. Who knew?

Dear Drew,
I'm having a dilemma. I want to sign up for Facebook for the soul purpose of helping Shamgod administer the AskDrewNow.com Facebook page. But I hate Facebook. In fact, I hate all social websites like I hate Glen Beck or Rush Limbaugh. I know if I put my name out there people will want to send me stupid messages or try to become my friend or some crap like that. Oh, for the love of someone's God, tell me, WHAT SHOULD I DO!?

Webmaster in AskDrewNow.com-ingtonsvilleburg, I couldn't agree with you more. ALL SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES ARE THE MOST BRAIN DEAD MORONIC WASTES OF TIME ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET. That being said, I want everyone to check out our new Facebook Page, askdrewnow.com! Yeaahhhh boooyyyy!

Dear Drew,
Can we get some more footage of Smerman!? He is our favorite character here at boyscout camp.

Dear Drew,
OMG! I love the Secret Life of the American Teenager. It's my favorite show ever! Do you love the show as much as I do?

I recently found a Pop Tart that came out of the toaster with the face of Peyton Manning burnt in on the back. Should I try selling it online for fast cash or accept that my pop tart has an extra chromosome and teach it to play Husker football?

Lawrence Phillips in Lockup, Unless you want your Peyton Manning Pop Tart to become a girlfriend punching, picnic pedestrian killing, coke snorting washed up half back wannabe, I would suggest you keep it as far away from Husker football as possible. Use that extra chromosome for something important. For example, you could teach it to read past a third grade level. Or you could use it to sire a litter of pygmy raccoons. Either way you would do more good for the world than letting your special Pop Tart get any where near a football field.

Are two portable virgilios actually better than one?

Smegma in Smermanville, The interesting thing about portable virgilios is that the more you have the worse they are. I once knew someone who had eighty-seven portable virgilios at once, and you know what happened? That's right, they accidentally sliced their thumb open while punching a television...they also got herpes. So my advice would be to own as few portable virgilios as possible, nothing good can come of them.

I was thinking about buying the classic thong from your store. Do you think my boyfriend would approve?

Sandro in San Francisco, Absolutely! I know that he would love it. In fact, it looks like your boyfriend already ordered a dozen of the thongs for himself...you may want to ask him about that.