When is Melvin Dizzle coming to Northeast Pennsylvania? We would love to see him in concert in one of our many local trailer parks.

Rap Enthusiast in Da WB Ghetto, Melvin Dizzle is currently gearing up for his first official world tour. Once he recovers from the fourteen bullet wounds he suffered at his last concert he will be back on the road and coming to a meth lab near you. Just please take caution when attending any of his concerts, we have had over a dozen un-planned pregnancies and at least 6 cases of hepatitis find their start at his shows. And make sure you are up to date on your tetanus shot as well...let's just say it is better to be safe than diseased.

I work about 15 hours per week and make around $90,000 per year. How much money am I earning per hour and is that good for my field.

Manager in Manhattan, While it may seem like you are doing quite well for the time you put in to your job, we don't exactly consider crystal meth dealers to have "jobs." Don't mistake our position, no matter what you do you should always be the best, and it sounds like you might be one of the top 230 meth dealers in Manhattan. But the key to your "profession" is longevity, and with the number of meth dealers out there right now we just aren't sure if you are doing well or just getting by. Send us a sample of your product and we will be able to give you a much better answer.

I'm a young lady who is in love with an old man, I was wondering if you knew of a way to get the "turtle out of its shell."

Can't Get the Hokey Without the Pokey, Elderly people can be difficult to arouse, but I know of some tricks to get your ancient man ready for business. First, elderly men love to yell at the radio and shake their fist at the newspaper. Just give him a copy of the New York Times and turn on some talk radio, it will get his blood flowing like a stab wound to the artery. And to add a touch of seduction to the moment, make sure to have a couple cups of tapioca pudding handy. Don't try anything fancy with the pudding, remember that your lover needs to gum his food, the pudding is just to keep him content until the deed is done. Follow these handy tricks and you should be burying that turtle in no time.

Dear Drew,
I'm 22 Years old and was just informed by ICE (The US Immigrations and Customs Enforcement) that I'm in fact, not a US Citizen. Apparently my parents moved me here when I was 4 years old and I had no idea. I have 30 days before my court date. What should I do?

Illegal in Texas, The only option you have is to find a nice American guy to marry to make sure they can't deport you. And lucky for you, AskDrewNow.com's very own camera man Sally is single and ready for some loving. Yes, he is a man who is named Sally, but don't let that fool you. He is 100% hard core American male. And it doesn't even matter to Sally if you are a male or female, he can accomodate to whatever need you have. So give us a call or drop us a line and we will set up a meet-and-greet. Not only do we love to entertain you, but we also love to help our fans gain citizenship to this country. Try to find any other website that offers you all of that...we are one of a kind.

How old am I?

Ageless in Akron, Based on the demographics we have seen with our site, I think 57 would be a safe bet. Don't worry, pudding time at the bingo hall will be here in no time.

A little bit of blood rushes into my penis whenever I hear the country hit "Nooner." I'm not gay am I?

Nooner Lover in Nashville, Yes, you are absolutely gay. My advice is to embrace it...buy yourself a convertible, start working out at the gym no less than 8 hours a day, and learn to dance with your arms above your head. But hey, every time you watch our "Nooner" video you are simply getting free porn. Bonus!

What's the best kind of food to eat when you're drunk-hungry at 2am?

Drunk Driver in Delaware, Two words...Taco Bell. However, if you are not near a Taco Bell the next best thing is any other type of food made from the lowest quality ingredients allowed by law. Hot dogs, Slim Jims, or anything made by Frito Lay. Not only will these foods satisfy your drunk-hunger, but they will also get you one step closer to heart disease. Enjoy!

Back in York College I stole a Jesus fish off a Pontiac Firebird Convertible because it angered me. Should I repent and give the Jesus fish back or should I continue using it as a pleasure device? I've asked Jesus myself but he hath no answers.

Nun in Nebraska, While I am proud of your exploits and enjoy your story, I must say that I am slightly alarmed. I recently read an article about "Jesusfishitis" and it seems that you may be suffering from this disease. Interestingly, this disease also has the word "sh*t" in it which does accurately explain York College. However, I don't think you have anything to worry about as your symptoms suggest you have a very mild case. So keep up the good work out there, Darwin is counting on you.

The quotation on your website says "Where good people go for great advice." Where do bad people go for great advice. Or even yet, where do good people go for bad advice...besides those looking for answers in the Bible?

Seepy Nip in Nardville, This is a very interesting question. I believe that, even though they aren't included in our motto (nothing, what's the motto with you) that bad people would still visit this site for great advice. In fact we would love to see more bad people showing up on our site for some great advice. Now as far as good people seeking bad advice...or even bad people seeking bad advice, I would direct those people to places like Dear Abbey, Dr. Laura, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly or any other egotistical selfish blowhard that happens to have a public forum to spread their message of intolerance. Wow...that felt good. Almost as good as all of the great advice that people can get here!

When will I get rich?

Greedy in Gainesville, I hate to break it to you, but according to my calculations you will never be rich. In fact, I think you owe me money. So as of right now, you are un-rich, the anti rich, without richness. But that's ok, I will accept monthly payments. Plus, paying me will make you spiritually rich, and that is more important than any amount of money (except for the money you should pay me.) Let's just call it your "Drew Tithe." Get your check book out...you don't want Smelvis coming after you with a wiffle bat.

If Jesus was a Gator fan would you become a born again Christian?

Triple G in Trenton, If Tim Tebow and and his intolerant ramblings could somehow bring Jesus Christ down from the heavens so he could hold a press conference and declare himself a Gator fan, I would not only become a born again Christian, I would personally start my own crusades in his name and walk the earth eliminating those who don't believe. "Just when you thought it was safe to think for yourself...Tim Tebow and Jesus Christ team up to continue the defamation of women, homosexuals and anyone who appreciates science." We could be back to back world Jesus champions...now that would be a dynasty.

Why is Drew so kickass? And how can I become just like him?

Number One Fan in Nantucket, You are perhaps the single greatest fan we have ever come across. Your question is the most thought provoking, intelligent, and kick ass question that it is hard for me to figure out where to begin. I guess I am so great because everything I do is great. I believe that the true key to greatness is being great at all times. I find that as long as I continue to kick serious ass by being great, I can maintain my level of kickassness and continue being completely great. If you want to become just like me, start being awesome, amazing, kick ass and great in everything you do and, before you know it, you still won't be as awesome as me. But that's ok, you will still be better than 99.9% of everyone else.

What classes do I have this year?

Clueless in College, I just happen to have your schedule right here. It looks like you are signed up for Hookers 101: An intro to illegal prostitution, Meth Cooking 232: An intermediate exploration in to the exciting world of crystal, Herpes 323: Answering why your crotch won't stop itching, and everyone's favorite, Comedy 624: A study of humor through the world's greatest website, AskDrewNow.com. Enjoy your class load...or any other load that might come along.

Despite my polite objections, my jackass neighbor keeps letting her dog poop in my yard. I'd do something drastic, but her daughter is really hot, and every time I see her when she comes to visit her mom, I just can't bring myself to start a feud with the old battle axe, fearing I'll blow my chances. How can I find a reasonable solution, or perhaps even better, how can I exact my revenge and get this to stop without her knowing it was me?

Angry Neighbor in Anapolis, The solution to this problem is going to make you very happy...and aroused. The key here is not to exact your revenge in secret, but to hit her where it hurts...where it REALLY hurts. From now on you should take every spare minute you have to formulate a plan to get her smoking hot daughter to date you. What worse punishment could their be for her than knowing you are banging her perfect 10 daughter? And what better reward could their be for you than getting to tap that ass out of spite? In time the poop will stop and you will have your neighbor exactly where you want her...and her daughter exactly where you want her (on top of you.) Now that's sexy justice.

I wanna be able to get f-d up in a very short amount of time at night, but not be totally worthless the next day - just functional. What do you suggest?

Hungover in Hartford, The key to what you are trying to accomplish will take some practice and dedication on your part. Take a shot glass, pour half a shot of your favorite liquor or spirit in said glass, grab a straw and snort the entire thing with your nose. It will speed up your "f-d up" process and allow you to still get a good night's sleep. Start slow with a bitch drink like a wine cooler or Zima, this will prep your sinuses well. Then move on to your whiskeys and tequilas...by the time you are snorting Everclear you know you have arrived. But as always, please consult your doctor before starting an alcohol snorting regimen.

Dear Drew,
Like honestly be real with me, is marijuana "bad" for you?

Cheetos Lover in Lusk, The simple answer is no, marijuana is in no way bad for you. In fact, marijuana is packed full of vitamins and minerals. You would have to eat over 12 bowls of Total cereal just to get the same nutrition you get from marijuana. Not only that but after you partake in your marijuana you get additional nutrition when you binge on Taco Bell and Dairy Queen for the next 3 hours. It is a win-win situation...as long as you don't mind buying bigger clothes each week and you think of heart attacks as badges of honor. Hit a baker's dozen and get a free aortic transplant.

Last week I saw what looked like a tall Elvis walking around Harvard with dynamite strapped to his crotch area. I think he was trying to blast off his nuts. Do you think that tall Elvis considering becoming a female just so he can experience penis envy?

Penis Envy in Harvard, I believe you witnessed another sighting of the man known as Smelvis. The last time I talked to him he did seem to show some interest in gender re-assignment surgery, but the use of dynamite never came up. If you see Smelvis armed with explosives again please call the authorities immediately, I can't think of anything worse than a nutless female Smelvis running around...again.

Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?

Good Samaritan in Gaza, Absolutely! As long as they were wearing an official AskDrewNow.com t-shirt...available now in our online store! Homeless and don't have a mailing address? No problem! We can hand deliver your order to your cardboard box or shopping cart! We make sure every customer is satisfied and still breathing. Order now!

List five things you would need to survive, if left alone on a deserted island.

Cast Away in Kuwait, Here are the five things I would absolutely need to survive: 5. Count Chocula 4. Lots of pornography 3. Zotz 2. An autographed photo of myself 1. Whiskey. We live a very glamorous life here at AskDrewNow.com.

If we say, we are here to help others, what are the others here for?

Idiot in Iowa, The truth is that everyone is here only to enjoy and spread the word of how amazing AskDrewNow.com is. There is no more important purpose in life. So have fun and bring back some friends, you know where you can find us.