I can't stop eating plants. Everywhere I go I feel the need to snack on some Eucalyptis or douche with some Australian ferns. The only problem is when I give into my love for plants my labia seems to double in size. What should I do?

Hymen in Hawaii, I can understand your love for plants. I once had a friend who couldn't stop humping christmas trees. Imagine how uncomfortable that made the holidays. The only thing we found that could solve their humping obsession was to sprinkle Miracle-Gro on all of the normal things people want to hump. We sprinkled it on their pillows, their girlfriend, their lamp, and their couch cushions. Eventually the tree humping stopped and everything went back to normal. So for you I would suggest sprinkling some Miracle-Gro or Scott's Turf Builder on the things you actually want to eat or douche with. Start with some cheese, perhaps some pasta, or even a squirt bottle of vinegar. Before you know it you will be eating normal food again and only spraying FDA approved liquids in your orifices. Then you can go back to life as normal and turn the page on your herbivore-obsession phase.