I have kidnapped your keyboard turkey and will not give it back until my yeast infection clears up from the thong I bought from your AskDrewNow.com store. Whatcha gonna do when the man who stole keyboard turkey runs wild on you?

Bakin' Bread in Boston, I hate to burst your turkey giblets, but the turkey you kidnapped from the AskDrewNow.com studios was actually one of many "fake" keyboard turkeys we keep around to fool angry fans like yourself. While we do apologize for any unintended side effects from our totally awesome merchandise, at least you can use your condition to start your own brewery or bakery. And please be careful with the imposter keyboard turkey you stole, the only thing we could teach that one to do was go bed sheet hunting for inch worms...you have been warned.

Why do you look like you are 4 feet tall every time you stand next to the guy who acts in your videos?

Virgilio in Vermont, The reason I look so short compared to the giant we feature in many of our videos is simply because he is over 8 feet tall. Have you ever seen the movie "My Giant" with Gheorghe Muresan? I know, neither has anyone else. But the person you see in our movies is actually that guy...it was the only acting gig he could get anymore since he was black listed from Hollywood for making one of the worst movies in history. If interested I know where you can get a very valuable and rare rookie card of this washed up no-talent actor we are proud to call our employee.

You guys are Fantastic! What advice would you give me if I wanted to start a website like this? Straight up you guys are my Idol!

AskDrew Fan, My advice to you would be, if you are at least 21 years of age, to drink lots of gin and whiskey and see what you come up with. We find that some of our best answers come when we are riding the wave of 80 proof deliciousness. Once you give it a try you will see what we mean. However, if you are not old enough to consume these beverages, I would suggest you find an activity that stimulates your creativity. Perhaps you could knit a slanket, raise a family of silk worms, or build your own ark that is big enough to hold two of every animal (the most realistic of all hobbies.) Before you know it you will find yourself coming up with ideas that everyone will enjoy. So have fun and remember, tell them AskDrewNow.com sent you.

What is your suggestion to get our economy on the right track again?

Hopeful in NE, This answer is simple. The key to stimulating the economy right now is to spend spend spend. Putting money back in to the economy can be done only one way....shopping in the best online store around: The AskDrewNow.com Store. We have everything you want and need, all at prices that everyone can afford. Not only will you be the envy of the world, but you will be helping get our economy back on track. So do something for yourself and for your country, shop now at The AskDrewNow.com Store. Because if you don't, then the terrorists have already won.

Who is the guy in the beanie in the video ideas video? He also appears briefly in the Jesus Go Fish game. He makes my modem sweat. Is he single? I would drink his bathwater and have his love child. Could you put him in more videos or set me up with him so i could tickle is dazzle dv bridge?

Sister Margaret in San Antonio, While we here at AskDrewNow.com try to keep our true identities secret (my real name is actually Shamgod) but I am willing to divulge this information to help you find the love of your life. The beanie wearing robot dancer's real name is Sally. He is the world's smallest pony rider and enjoys shooting skeet all over his bathroom mirror. He has three club feet and drives a souped-up golf cart around his retirement village, all while producing AskDrewNow.com and his own Chia Pet porno website. If you are interested in pursuing this relationship just let me know. I know where he plays penguin football on Tuesdays.

What is the meaning of life?

John in Messina, this is the toughest yet most common question I get. I first discovered the meaning of life when I was cleaning out the gutters on my ex-wife-sister's trailer house. Ever since then I have clung to that idea and used it every day to help me live a happier and more full life. So before I reveal this I want to make sure everyone heeds these words with caution: What you are about to read will change your life forever...FOREVER. The meaning of life is...life sucks monkey balls, get used to it and quit whining. HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN!

I recently found a bird in the park that had a really bad case of gout. I took in the bird but i'm afraid of my other 87 birds in my house catching the gout. Do you know if gout is contagious among birds?

Exotic Bird Lady in Exeter, I consulted an avian medical journal to help with this answer and I made a shocking discovery...EVERY BIRD AND EVERY HUMAN IN THE WORLD HAS GOUT. That is right, no matter what problem you seem to have it can always be traced back to gout. Got a parakeet...GOUT! Got a finch...GOUT! Got a spider bite on your ankle...GOUT! So please be careful around your bird and any other human you come in contact with because there is a 100% chance that you will get gout.

I recently went to the Zoo and thought I was talking to John Cena, but it ended up being a giant ape. And when I did the "You can't see me" to the alleged John Cena my left ear was bitten off and my cankle was ripped to shreds. Who do I take to court the zoo, the ape, or John Cena?

Benoit in Brussels, This is a very tricky legal matter...lucky for you I am an expert in pro wrestling/zoo/ape litigation. The first thing you want to do is sue John Cena...because he sucks. The fact of the matter is that the only reason to ever sue anyone is simply because they suck. The zoo and the ape are innocent bystanders in this case. Of course, it is widely accepted that John Cena does look like an ape...so I guess if it is a no-talent moose knuckle who looks like an ape, take them down.

What do you think about garage sales?

Cheap in Crete, Garage sales suck. Everything smells like poop and all of the electronics are from the seventies. The only benefit to garage sales is that you can find awesome props for your stupid online videos or used cassettes of Milli Vanilli. So unless you plan on making a lame ass website with several stupid online videos, garage sales are a waste of your time. Milli Vanilli freaking rocks.

Why are their no ash grey NY Mets T-shirts to buy? And why the Mets are doing so bad this year?

Mets fan in Manchester, I feel your pain. As a huge Mets fan myself I have been suffering every day at the ugly play of the Mets. But fear not, your questions are very easy to answer. As far as ash grey Mets shirts go, no one likes ash grey, it's ugly and helps hide stretch marks, so no one would buy them. And the reason the Mets are doing so poorly this year can be broken down in to four words...They Are The Mets. As long as we all live, they will continue to play bad. I can't explain it, but the Mets will always be cursed to simply...play bad.

I was wondering why you don't film in HD your videos look like crap.

Beta Max in Buckhalter, HD is completely overrated. In fact, if you saw me and my friends in HD you may find yourself puking as much as Matt Clot seems to do when he enjoys his candy corn harvest. With that being said I would like to make the following announcement....COMING SOON....ASKDREWNOW.COM IN HIGH DEFINITION. That's right folks, very soon you will be able to enjoy the world's greatest website in HD. Brace yourselves, this may be ugly.

Can I be your friend Drew?

Lonely in Lancaster, Unfortunately I do not have any positions currently open for freinds. However, if Billy Joe Melvin, Dolores, Hugh Jorgan, Matt Clot, Melvia, Melvin Dizzle, Melvin Flowers, Melvin Jackson, Melvin Lukas, Melvin Mettler, and Melvin the Satellite Repair Guy decide to leave the website, I may be able to offer you an application and potential interview to be my friend. So keep hope alive, there is still a chance that you may one day get to be my friend. Just not today.

I am applying for a job at Tyson do you know anyone who works there that i could get a recommendation from?

Piglet in Prasser, Unfortunately, I am not aware of anyone that currently works for Tyson. My advice would be to look in to positions for ConAgra, the company that produces Banquet chicken, meats, and those delicious 1 dollar frozen meals we all know and love. Because let's face it, when we buy our chicken it's from Banquet...f*ck Tyson.

Why don't you ever let the fish out so I can play with them?

Suzi in Applecreek, The reason we don't let the fish out so you can play with them is, quite simply, that fish can't breathe or survive outside of water. I know this may sound complicated, but fish do not have the proper lungs to allow them to breathe outside of water. Yep, this is a new scientific discovery that was just realized last Tuesday, so it's understandable that you wouldn't know it yet. So until you develop gills that allow you to breathe under water, you will have to continue to simply watch the fish in their tank and dream of the day when you and they will be able to process O2 in the same manner.

I was wondering why chicks don't like "The Discovery Channel Song" by the Bloodhound Gang anymore?! I mean it was a classic. It was even better than "I'm Blue" by Eiffel 65. Where else can a young buck learn how to pull out the "knee" and grind on the dance floor at three am with a slightly overweight chick wearing a haltertop. Come on these are the important things in a young man's life. I have to pretend that I like dancing to Beyonce if I have any chance to score in this town. What's our world coming too? Should I end it now?

Perplexed in PA and Never Getting Back to Florida, Yes, you should absolutely end it all. First, you live in Pennsylvania, that is reason enough to literally take a flying leap. Secondly, I don't think you or I or anyone should have to live in a world where Eiffel 65 doesn't automatically make an overweight girl take her clothes off. "I'm Blue" takes on a whole new meaning when it is in reference to your genitals.

Michael Jackson is dead. So is Farrah Fawcett. Deaths are said to happen in 3's and I think Courtney Love is next. She's like 98 lbs now. Who do you think is doomed to die next?

Kitty Splat in Kansas, I think that the next person who is doomed to die will probably Pauly Shore. He has been one of the finest actors in the history of cinema and will be remembered as a pioneer, an icon, and a legend. Let it be known here first....Pauly Shore, the King of Cinema. We loved you Pauly and your career is sorely missed.

Why do I never see pigeons on Sunday?

Pigeon Lover in Pensacola, Pigeons are rarely seen on Sunday because they like to spend their "day of rest" cooing and pooping on all of the people entering and exiting churches. In fact, their one mission in life is to tag as many ugly dresses and hideous suits on Sundays as possible. That is why pigeons are one of my favorite animals. Yes, they may be disgusting and annoying, but the poop on people who go to church...winner winner pigeon dinner.

Dear Drew,

I recently married the love of my life, but I've been keeping a small secret from him. Will my husband still love me if I tell him I have a penis?

Hidden Organ in Council Bluffs, It all depends on exactly how large your penis is. According to every hidden organs sex tape I have seen, anything between 3 and 5 inches is acceptable. If you fall short of that, he will just think you are a woman who took too many steriods. Longer than that and he won't be able to walk without looking like he just delivered a dozen letters for the Pony Express. So get out the ruler and a can of Crisco and see what happens.

What is truly at the end of a rainbow?

Fruitcake in Philadelphia, if you have to ask, then you didn't drink enough appletinis at your "mixer" last week. Just make sure you always keep an eye on the leprechaun that inevitably shows up...they can reach places most friends can't.

2 part question.if you took over the world, where would your headquarters be? Also can I be head of security?

World Domination in West Chester, The question is not if...but WHEN I take over the world I will probably locate my headquarters in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Let's be honest, practically everyone would rather die than have to go to that place. And as far as you being the head of security goes, I think I would need to host a 30 man Battle Royale to answer that question. If you win, you are in. If not, you have to spend the weekend in Scranton.