I can't stop eating plants. Everywhere I go I feel the need to snack on some Eucalyptis or douche with some Australian ferns. The only problem is when I give into my love for plants my labia seems to double in size. What should I do?

Hymen in Hawaii, I can understand your love for plants. I once had a friend who couldn't stop humping christmas trees. Imagine how uncomfortable that made the holidays. The only thing we found that could solve their humping obsession was to sprinkle Miracle-Gro on all of the normal things people want to hump. We sprinkled it on their pillows, their girlfriend, their lamp, and their couch cushions. Eventually the tree humping stopped and everything went back to normal. So for you I would suggest sprinkling some Miracle-Gro or Scott's Turf Builder on the things you actually want to eat or douche with. Start with some cheese, perhaps some pasta, or even a squirt bottle of vinegar. Before you know it you will be eating normal food again and only spraying FDA approved liquids in your orifices. Then you can go back to life as normal and turn the page on your herbivore-obsession phase.

My house is currently on fire I dont know what to do so I thought I would tweet to you about it. I think the whole upstairs is burned down and now the main floor is about to go.

Inferno in Idaho, The most important thing to remember in your emergency situation is this....delete your twitter account. Before you do anything in your blazing inferno you need to start up your computer, go to whatever the hell website twitter is at, then delete your account and never even think of using it again. It is a proven fact that 134% of all house fires are caused by people who have twitter accounts. In fact, just having a twitter account increases your chances of having cancer by 287%. So if you really want to do something to help yourself, let the house burn to the ground and, for the love of god, get rid of that damn twitter account.

Dear Drew,
My mom recently entered the world of facebook. As I am an agnostic lesbian with offensive yet hilarious friends, this has definitely inhibitted upon my right to freedom of speech. I feel stifled and just can't seem to get out from under the rule of her iron fist, no matter where I go. What should I do?

Oppressed in Oslo, The best thing you can do now is to go all the way. If your mom is going to invade your privacy at every turn then the only thing left to do is blow open the door and let her see the sexy and lubricated story that is your life. Document everything you do during the day (and night) down to the most scissoring detail. Post it all online and make sure your mom can access it. Once you have nothing left to hide you will be set free. Yes, your mom will probably have a mushroom cloud size aneurysm, but at least you won't have to live in fear anymore. An agnostic lesbian should not fear her mom, but the mom should fear her agnostic lesbian daughter.

Dear Drew,
Ever since I was little I've been afraid of the boogeyman. What are you afraid of?

Gutless in Grafton, I will list my top five fears for you now: 5. Engine coolant that smells like chocolate 4. Time traveling zombie toaster crumbs 3. Pickled asparagus 2. People who only eat cheese while watching The Golden Girls 1. Curly hair on an Asian prostitute

Who do you think would win in a fight: the taint of Etta James or John Cena?

Donner Party in Detroit, Hands down, beyond a shadow of a doubt, Etta James' taint is the most powerful patch of fuzz in the entire world. Men, women, and giants alike have all fallen to the power of her taint, and John Cena would be no exception. If only that taint could talk, I wonder what kind of stories it could tell...

One of my co-workers breath constantly smells of anchovies and artichoke hearts. Is there a medical condition that causes this hella horrible rank? ... or is this a normal occurance amongst the human specie?

Hellacious Halitosis in Houston, This is actually a very common problem. I wouldn't call it a medical condition as much as I would call it a nasty-ass mouth condition. They might be brushing their teeth with their toilet scrubber, or gargling ball water. Either way, you need to do something about it. I would suggest sneaking peppermint schnapps in to their coffee each day. Not only will it freshen their breath, but it will help to make them less of a douchebag. Slowly increase the amount of schnapps you use each day and enjoy!

Am i gay?

Sam in San Antonio, Yes...yes you are. So go buy a pair of hotpants and practice dancing with your arms above your head, it's your time to shine!

Can you do more videos featuring the carnie itching his sack, like in Carnival Fun at 5:03? That would really make my sack tingle.

SackScratchFever in Balls, New York, We plan on doing an entire series on carnival worker sack scratching. We are currently scouring the bowels of America's heartland for every carnival we can find in hopes of capturing more of that rare and valuable footage. Like a sunset, coming up over the hills...or the first drops of dew on a fresh Spring flower...carnie sack scratching is a beautiful and natural blessing we are all lucky to have witnessed.

Why can't I be supervisor? Why do I keep getting moved from shift to shift? How do I sell my house? Please www.AskDrewNow.com, I need your help.

Chove in Newman Grove, You can't be a supervisor because, based on your yearly reviews from your co-workers, you suck at your job. But it's ok, 96% of all people suck at their job, they just put up with the crap so they can pay their bills. So don't feel bad if you aren't supervisor material, most people just aren't cut out for the glamorous and fancy world of supervising. As for selling your house, I would suggest accepting more forms of payment than just money. Food stamps are really popular right now, as well as fresh Siberian monkey bile. Both of these things actually carry more value at the moment than the American dollar. Go figure!

Why does that tall man in the video look like Elvis so much? Is he really Elvis or is he his taller brother? Anyways, I look up to him. He's my hero.

All Shook Up in San Francisco, You caught us. The tall man you see in our videos is in fact Elvis's taller brother, Smelvis. We first met Smelvis when he ran away from the Gargantuan & Sons Travelling Freak Show...he was tired of being used and exploited for such little compensation. So now we use and exploit him for no compensation, a fair trade no matter how you look at it. And I couldn't think of a better role model for you than Smelvis, he is truly a heroic person. One time we got our frisbee stuck on top of a water tower and Smelvis just reached up and pulled it down for us. And you can't imagine how many pick-up basketball games we have won...oh yeah. So keep pulling for Smelvis, a Tall American Hero.

My great-aunt just died and my mom won't leave her grave for anything. We have to bring her food and water and pitched a tent over here so she doesn't join the others! What can I do to get her spirits up?? (no pun intended)

Worried in Wilmington, My advice would be to bring the fun to your mom, get her a laptop and take her straight to AskDrewNow.com. Not only can she come to us for her mental health and spiritual advice, but she can enjoy our video and text answers and learn to laugh again. In fact, AskDrewNow.com was recently featured in "Depressed Monthly" magazine as one of the top five websites to show people that there are bigger losers out there than themselves. And while she is enjoying the site, treat her to a nice cup of hot chocolate from her very own AskDrewNow.com mug (available now in the AskDrewNow.com Store.) Give this a shot and if things don't turn around, let us know, we would be happy to pay her a visit in person and make sure she never stops smiling again.

Does Dolores do donuts?

Married my cousin in Sutton, What Dolores does in her free time is a complete mystery. We did find her licking a scone behind the dumpster once, but who hasn't been there before? The next time Dolores is in the AskDrewNow.com studios we will see if we can find out if she has ever been romantically involved with donuts. Until then, I guess it is up to your imagination.

Dear Drew,
Do you ever have anyone send in funny home videos to you? If you do, I think that would make for a great TV show.

Dear Drew,
My computer crashed last week and when I called the tech support number, the person who helped me was really rude. Is there anything I can do to get back at them?

Y'all have a name for your turkey that is in your videos?

Hunter Safety in Helena, Yes, We'all have a name for our turkey. Her name is crazy-fu*king kick ass turkey extreme 3000. That's right, the turkey we all know and love has morphed in to the most intelligent, self-sufficient and awesome turkey of all time. But please remember, he can still play one hell of a keyboard.

Dear Drew, My cousin is being a total moron, what do you propose is the best form of torture? Please explain is graphic detail.

Jackass from Jamaica, My advice is to...now I know this is harsh and shouldn't be done to any normal person...but in your extreme situation I would make your cousin....watch Dr. Phil on a loop for 36 hours. Let's face it, only the most simple minded and socially inept people enjoy watching Dr. Phil so to the other 99% of the population it is absolute torture. Intelligent people do not listen to fake doctors. So, assuming you and your cousin have more than a first grade education, watching Dr. Phil is the worst kind of punishment I can imagine. But be careful, he has been known to inspire idiocy, moronic behavior, and simple minded thinking for everyone that has ever been cursed enough to have to listen to him speak. Proceed with caution on such punishment...it can lead to permanent brain damage.

Dear Drew,
My friends want me to go to the carnival with them, but for some reason, I am scared to death. Can you help me overcome my fear of carnivals?

I recently came across a 1993 Ben Nelson rookie card. I couldn't find the value in congress's version of Beckett. Do you know the value of this extremely valuable card?

Shamgod in Shamwow, Being a collector of U.S. governer rookie cards I can say that this is one of the most sought after and valuable governor cards of all time. At auction I believe this card would bring between 45 and 55 cents, but for insurance purposes I would not insure it for any less than $75,000. If you are interested in selling it please let me know. I know of at least 3 sorghum farmers that would trade their combines for it.

You talk about Harvard, NE a lot in your videos. I have never been there is this a hot spot I should be visiting? Do they have a Six Flags there?

Crock Pot in Clay Center, While we do seem to bring up Harvard in several of our videos, to be completely honest, I have never even been there. The buzz around the water cooler at the AskDrewNow.com studios is that it is one of the hottest tourist destinations in the world. We hope to charter a flight there in the very near future to showcase the town in all of it's glory to America. I don't believe they have a Six Flags, but I know for a fact they sponser a lawn mower racing circuit. Yeah...I know...it sounds fantastic. Billy Joe Melvin would be proud.

How much do you charge for your autographs?

Kane from Parts Unknown, autograph requests can be made through the website anytime. If anyone is interested they can just submit their request through this question link. However, due to the cost of shipping to Parts Unknown we do not currently fulfill requests from that location. But if you want to we can schedule a live autograph session at the Harvard Mall. We can try to set it up during one of their "Double Food Stamps" sales.